Introspection, the most important act a human being should do.
2016 has been a very difficult year for me and the last month is not easy as well. Since the winter comes back, my mental health starts to become unstable again. Moreover, now I am standing at the junction of my life. Lots of things begin to bother me. I need to think about my university, plan my career, learn to keep my finance healthy, seek something I won’t feel depressed about. My self-esteem reached one of the lowest points again due to the problem with my current job while I find out I have a very heavy issue with codependency. Once again, I feel like I lose the interest of my life. Nothing really makes me happy. Although I still laugh, I still feel blessed when good things happened, most of the time, I can’t be happy anymore, just like what I experienced in Spring this year.
This month I have done a lot of stupid things. Literally, I have irritated one of my friends which I really regret it because at that time my mental situation is not good and I keep doing those stupid things. Although my friend accepts my apologies afterward, I believe in many cases we can’t be that close as before. Afterall, I shall learn to understand different people have different habits, I shall not always apply my standards to everyone. And I need to get rid of my codependence, my values should not be defined by others. Meanwhile, I didn’t work very well in my current job. I can’t say it is all my boss’ problems since I need to admit I didn’t perform very well in the job. I start to lock myself up again and that’s why my performance in job becomes terrible again. I feel really sorry for it. If I have the courage to open up myself, I could work better in my job. But the problem is, I don’t want to. Thus, it is my problem and I still feel really bad when I think about my current job. I need to be open-minded and willing to admit my problems and communicate to others. Last but not the least, I got a problem with my finance. This month, with my unstable mental health, I have overused my money. It makes me feel really really bad about myself. ‘Why I can’t do my finance properly?’, ‘What’s wrong with you, mate?’ All these problems are popping up in my head. I feel sad, I feel painful, sometimes the feeling is so strong my body starts to feel the pain as well. I understand it is actually not that worse, but I just feel bad about myself. I know I need to learn the mindfulness, learn how to release the stress and think positively. Every time I try to do self-talk but most of the time it just went wrong and I start to do a negative talking again. It is not good and I believe the only thing I have done right is to notice I have problems. Anyway, these mental and psychological problems won’t disappear just in one day. The fight would be long, but I am determined to face it. I believe in hope.
Meanwhile, Thanks God this time I still feel the happiness of writing. I think recently the best thing I have done is to ask two football facebook pages for allowing me to write articles for them. It is the only time I feel really happy and peaceful in my mind. Focusing on doing research about football and culture, writing what I would like to express, reaching people who share the same interest. This is what a life I am looking for. (BTW, I am so glad AC Milan won the Supercoppa Italiana this year, I think it is the only thing makes me really happy this month.) Also, I came up with a new story so I feel like it might be the time I start to write novel again. Writing novel is the best and most enjoyable thing I have done.
I don’t remember since when I start to fall in love with writing. But I think writing is one of the best ways I could express myself and analyze what is the current situation in front of me. When I was suffering from depression in spring, I start to keep my own emotional journal. If I don’t feel well, I just pick up a pen to write down what I feel. So I can’t express how scared I was when I didn’t get any sense of happiness from writing. Anyway, now I start to write again, everything shall be alright, I hope.
Anyway, this December is not peaceful, I got ups and downs, but generally speaking it is not really that bad. It is like 4/10, so not too bad but I can’t say it is good anyway. But at least, I am glad that each day I am doing something, I find a Caffe as my shelter, I find some people I could talk to daily. Everything is slightly better. I believe if I don’t give myself up, everything would work out at the end.
Have faith!
Ying 2217 